I arrived home after two weeks in Chicago, supporting my mom during the loss of my amazing dad. I arrived home and grief finally hit me.
I already had experienced the waves that hit me during the two weeks, waves of grief that would cause me to cry at seemingly random moments. When I saw my dad's last signature, or the first time I walked into my dad’s bedroom and knew he would never be there or when my son sat in Grandpa's wheelchair to remember him at breakfast or my children were so excited and surprised that there were gifts from Grandpa even through he was not physically there. Each of these moments a wave hit me, my head went under the water and I had to swim up again to breathe. I cling to worshiping Jesus through the grief/loss and praising God that I had the honor of being the daughter to this amazing man.
During my time in Chicago, I also learned that different people grieve in different ways and how to give space to my mom or siblings when something hit them and they went under the water but it did not affect me the same. I also learned to be a better listener (which my dad was so good at) and learned more about my dad and the many chapters of his life before me and really got to appreciate the fullness of his life. But when I arrived home I was numb, in shock as now I had to return to life, to continue life but there was a part of my life that is missing and never will come back, and I had to start to adjust to life holding onto my papa Ruiz inside of me.
Thursday night when I arrived home and had extra snuggle time with the kiddos, I voiced how I was feeling to Dan. “I feel broken, my world turned upside down, the pieces scattered all around and I can't put the pieces back together.”
As I voiced it, I saw a picture of a glass scattered in pieces on the floor. Dan just waited patiently as I reached out to God. “I do not know where to begin or have the energy to pick up any of these pieces. I just want to be numb and have no idea how to move forward.”
God gently reminded me of Colossians 1 and the description of Jesus, especially verse 17 that Jesus holds all things together. It was the next day, I meditated on the picture of the scattered glass and the Bible verse that God spoke:
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
This is Jesus! This is who He is and I just meditated on this scripture especially Colosians 1:17, that He is the one that holds all things together, not me or my Dad but Jesus does. I started to develop a truth as I reflected that, in His Supremacy, he will reconcile all things and bring peace in my life. In His timing (not mine), He will (not me) put all the pieces together in His new beautiful way. It will be different then the past. It won't be perfect. But it will be beautiful. And it is His work. His timing. His way. He is the glue that makes all things come together again in my life.
Friday, after my time with Jesus, an idea to do an activity (a friend once shared with me) to help make the revelation become a deep rooted truth came to my mind. I talked it over with Dan sharing my thoughts and he agreed to support my God, fun idea! Saturday morning, two mugs from Jamaica were sitting on the counter for me to choose. I picked one that said Jamaica on it, representing my Dad from Puerto Rico, the Caribbean for my activity.
I broke a mug, picked up the pieces and super glued them back together. And I did it with my children and husband.
Olive and Valor, me broke one of our favorite mugs, all the pieces scattered all over the porch floor. They saw when I cried uncontrollable as I just stared at the pieces and then took a few breathes and hugged me and saw me pick up all the bigger and then smaller pieces, sweeping up the rest that would never go back together. They saw me spread out the pieces and get the superglue and helped me puzzle through the brokenness to see how the pieces came together (they are both very good at puzzles!). The bigger beginning pieces were easier and fit together nicely!
One of the biggest revelations made by Olive was that the place where you hold the cup did not break. She said “you can still hold the cup perfectly mom”. Later, as I thought more about it, I realized that just like Olive said “You could still hold the mug perfectly” God will always be holding onto to me perfectly, we just need let go and trust that He holds all things together and will bring reconciliation and peace to my life.
The end (the back of the cup) was harder as the parts are smaller and harder to put together. There was a piece that I found after I already glue the words Jamaica that fit perfectly! But I had already glued the other pieces together and no way to put it back in. I asked Dan to shave off the piece so we can try to fit it in and he finally agreed to try and God gently spoke to my heart, Carole there will be pieces of your life that will never go back and will be missing, it is okay, let go of this piece with the other little pieces, and I gently let it go.
The mug is all glued back together and it was an amazing healing process. It's not a perfect fit, pieces are forever missing and you can see the cracks in the mug but it is beautiful reminder of what God did in my heart. And I am trusting my Savior to do the same with my life, to make something beautiful out of the ashes I feel.
Over the past week, when the waves hit and I am overwhelmed, I walk to my mantle and hold the cup, reminding myself of the truth that God is the one that holds all things together. He is faithful and true and I can trust him. There is a way for me to enter into his presence and draw near to Him during times of trails.
Hebrews 10:19-23 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
A week ago, I was seeing my situation without hope. The situation is the same, but now I see it through the lens of an eternal hope and a faithful God. And wow it makes all the difference. So thankful that we have a PERSONAL, Intimate God that meets us exactly where we are and walks with us through all life struggles and gives us hope in hopeless situations. I am holding unswervingly to hope because He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).
