Grieving Journal: Transition Journey from Jamaica to PA

Posted by Dan and Carole McClelland

This blog is written from my journaling pages. Therefore, I have kept them in present tense; dated so you can see my journey through grief.

Prologue
Tuesday, May 7th

I am grieving, a deep grief. I feel like I am a tree that is being completely uprooted. The tree is healthy, green and bearing fruit but now is up in the air with roots completely exposed in the air. Dirt and mud are still heavily connected from the ground, but someone is shaking the tree to get the roots clean. It hurts, not a physical hurt since the shake is gentle, but it is a hurt of the heart.

Part 1: Being Honest with Myself as I am Uprooted
Friday, May 17th

As this journey towards moving back to PA begins, honestly, I feel lost and can’t see the next steps of my future. I don’t know what it will look like and where my roots will land. I feel like a fish out of water and want to go back to my old pond instead of jumping to a new one.

I don't want to move; I don't want to experience change. From past experiences, I know that change and new things are hard for me. Realizing hard times are coming, I feel like I am stuck; stuck in mud and not willing to even try to move forward or to think about the future. I am avoiding conversations with Dan and am reluctant to share with others in Jamaica about the move because I just don’t want to acknowledge it is happening. I realize that part of the grieving process is admitting where you are and recognizing your true feelings. Also, I know from experience that I can't move forward without going to that place of vulnerability and rawness and honesty. However, knowing something in my head does not mean it reaches my heart.

Truthfully, in these last weeks, I have been afraid of facing what is happening inside of my heart. I have been holding all of my thoughts and emotions concerning the move inside and have been afraid to go to that real place. However, recently I went to these deep, hard places and allowed myself to truly grieve and be sad for the things that are coming to a close (even though I know that closures are part of life.) I realize that God has good things for me, for our family and the ministry, but in order for me to see these things, I have to get to the place where I am honest with myself about what I am grieving and what I am feeling. It is only in that place of vulnerability, openness and rawness that Jesus can meet me exactly where I am and lead me to a place of newness.

Part 2: Being Honest with Others as I am Uprooted
Saturday, May 25th

As I have started to really process the deep grief that I am going through, I am recognizing that this season is not just a closure of leaving Jamaica, though that in itself would be enough for me to grieve! I will miss the people who are so thankful for life, the sun and beauty of the land surrounded by water, the amazing fruit trees, the way Jamaica celebrates and takes care of each other! Once again, just leaving Jamaica would be enough for me to grieve. But there is sooo, sooo much more that I am processing and grieving in my heart with this move and transition.

This move is a clear closure of 3 very dear things for me. Each one feels like too much to give up at one time, and, yet, God is closing the doors on all three of these areas at the same time. This is so hard!

I am grieving the loss of:

1. Jamaica/International Living
2. DTS leading season
3. Living with the Deaf community

First, Dan and I know that this move requires leaving Jamaica, but it is also giving up international living for an extended long season. For quite some time, we knew that our next move was always going to be a long- term move as we desire consistency in the children's education. This meant a relocation of possibly 10-12 years. So I am giving up international living for perhaps the next 12 years!!!! That is hard to write down, let alone process. The truth is, I absolutely LOVE living internationally! I love being out of my comfort zone. I love being a minority and learning about another culture and its people. And I love how much I grow in these places! It was always my dream to live as a family internationally, and now God is removing this experience from my life.

Secondly, this move and season is a closure of leading DTSs. Dan and I have led 12 DTSs over our 14 years in missions, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DTSs! I love 3 hours of truth being taught everyday as it encourages new growth in my own life. Even if I have heard the same teaching with the same teacher 12 times, the teaching hits me in a fresh way every time and can be applied differently. In addition, I love discipling others towards a stronger relationship with Jesus and seeing them experience Him in the same deep way I have. I love challenging students to grow, seeing people’s lives transformed, and encouraging them to be all that God is calling them to be. Most importantly, I LOVE that I have the honor of doing this with God. So my grief comes as I realize that moving signifies an end of the season when we lead DTSs.

Lastly, this is a closure of living life in a Deaf community that has allowed our family easy access to the Deaf. Not only have we had 14 years of living within a YWAM community, but 11 of those years we have lived as part of a Deaf community. I LOVE it! I love Deaf people. I love sign language. I love having Deaf people hang out with my children, and personally being able to hang out with Deaf on a daily basis. I love being in the middle of a thriving Deaf community. However, I know with this move I am surrendering this piece of my heart and life.

As I have started to process these things I am feeling and grieving, I have begun sharing them with Dan. I need extra grace from Dan and others as I voice out these feelings in a raw, unfiltered way. Even though my head knows I am only seeing what I would be missing and am not looking forward to what God will be providing, I recognize that I need to speak them out. Dan needs to hear them, and I need to know how they affect Dan as well. He needs to know where I am in my process and how I am honestly feeling about the move.

 

I have also begun to share the deep, grieving process I am going through with some of my friends in Jamaica. I am so thankful, God, that you started the process with my good friend, Leah Gregg (pictured above). Thank you for the time that we got before moving.   As I have been honest with her and others friends about my thoughts and feelings, they have helped challenge me to gain a new perspective, and have provided words/ prayers of encouragement which are so needed. One of the biggest encouragements spoken to me, by my friend Janielle on a field trip with Valor and her daughter, Zora, was “to let go and trust the process” (pictured below).  I also called and shared my feelings with Dan's mom. (Our family will be living with Dan’s Dad and Mom initially in their farmhouse.) After this conversation, God made it clear that for each of the three things that I'm giving up, He's giving me three good things that He wants to bring into my life in the next season. These things have been stirring in my spirit for about a year, but He made it clearer than ever. Maybe, I was just ready to listen to Him.

 

What I am Gaining:

1.Closer to Family and Community 

    -McClelland grandparents

    -Support community be more involved

    -visits to my family in Chicago and other places

2.Multiplication: training leaders to lead DTS 
    -Jamaica
    -Brazil
    -South Africa

3.Creating our own Family Culture
    -Homeschooling
    -Playing outside and being creative
    -Discipling our children in a deeper way

I still need to be honest. Even though God has revealed these three things, and I am excited about them, I am still grieving in my heart and am not ready to move forward.

Part 3: God meets me where I am through the story of Zacchaeus
Monday, May 27th

I have still been in the place of not wanting to move forward; wanting to just stay stuck in the sinking sand of my emotions. On Saturday, a team arrived for a week at the base. One friend was leading the team, and I was able to process with her a little of where I was on Sunday (yesterday). Then, this morning, Caleb was leading a Bible study and a drama for a devotional to do at a Deaf School. He led the Bible study on Zacchaeus in Luke 19:1 through verse 10. As I was interpreting for this Bible study, God was moving in my heart in a completely different direction. I realized that God wanted me to be like Zacchaeus, but I was not willing to obey.

I need to write out what I was hearing from God. Zacchaeus was trying to see Jesus but, because of the crowd and how short he was, he couldn't see. So, if I am Zaccaeus in the story right now, it would read that Zacchaeus just stood behind the crowd and pouted! But that is not God’s story! Zacchaeus ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see Jesus for he knew that Jesus was going to pass that way. Then he had an amazing encounter with Jesus, his life was completely changed and he had so much joy in giving and living freely in Christ!

I recognize I am at a point where Jesus is “walking by” sharing the 3 things that He wants to do in the future. In response, I have not been passionate but only a little interested in “seeing Jesus” and having Him share more about what He wants to do in my future. In the past, I have always struggled with looking ahead and seeing the vision and goodness of the next season while still finishing out the present season. So, instead of running ahead and climbing a tree like Zacchaeus, I have been stuck behind a crowd. Honestly I realize that I have given up on “seeing Jesus” and have just sat down behind the crowd. I have chosen not to seek or search out Jesus to find out more about my future. I have refused to move forward.

During this Bible study, I realized that God is calling me out of the mourning stage, but I have become content to sit in grief. I even studied the length of time people in the Bible had for the grieving and mourning process. In those days, they wore sackcloth so others would know they were grieving. From my research, I learned the normal grieving process was 1 week for the death of a loved one, but for spiritual leaders like Moses and Aarron, the Israelites mourned for 30 days. I have grieved way over 1 month! I have been experiencing deep grief since February.

Jesus is clearly calling me to move on and look for him in this next season. I know when I see him fully, like Zacchaeus, I will experience and encounter Jesus in a way that results in my whole perspective, attitude and life to change. And this change will affect everyone around me. Today, I say “yes” to seeking him, running forward and starting to climb a tree to be able to see God in a different way in the next season.

Part 4: God meets me and gives me strength to move forward
Wednesday, May 29th

So remember when I said I was ready to run forward, climb a tree and seek Jesus? Well, I needed a little more encouragement to actually do it. At first, I was so excited to share with Dan what God spoke about the Zacchaeus story, but when the opportunity arose to share, I did not share. I still was not ready to move forward!

The picture of the uprooted tree in the air keeps coming back to me. With the tree’s roots in the air, I can not tell from the picture how it will be planted, what it will look like when it is planted and how it will grow once planted. That is me! Since this picture kept reappearing in my thoughts, I actually looked up a picture on the internet in order to get a better visual for myself. This is the one I found (see above) and identified with the most! When I share this grief journey in a blog, I think I will begin with this picture.

Well, let me fast forward to Wednesday. Swimming was canceled due to rain, but the kids asked to go anyway to play with friends. I said “yes”, we could go for a short time. We went to the gated community that has a playground as well as the pool where the kids take swimming lessons. There are many friends that live and go swimming in this gated community that were already playing outside. Olive and Valor ran off to play at the playground, while I started to make messages to the last few friends in Jamaica that I needed to share with about the move. 

After a while, I went to get the kiddos, and they were playing at the playground I am so thankful that I stopped by the home of our very good friends, Janielle and Zora and it reminded me of your message to "let go and trust the process".  I LOVE this family and this house is a place of peace for me.  Well, I saw Maxine, my friend, who helps with Janielle's kiddos, outside gardening, so I gave the kiddos a 5 min warning and went to say hello to her.  She had heard from Janielle that I was moving, so she asked how I was doing. I started to share and found myself pouring out once again my grief as she continued to water and prune plants. I ended with the Zacchaeus story and how I was still stuck in the mud, sitting down behind the crowd. She recognized very clearly that I was hurting but challenged me that I needed to let go and trust God. I said “I know I know” while internally I knew I was not going to change anything. Then, for the first time since I had arrived (which now was 25 mins after the 5 min warning), I saw a plant, completely uprooted, laying on the ground. It triggered something in me as it was the exact picture God gave me of how I was feeling about the move! I asked almost angrily, “What are you doing with this plant?!”

Maxine explained in the kindest voice, “The plant has become stagnant and stopped growing. I needed to uproot it in order to put it in a new, bigger pot to give it more space for its roots to spread out and grow deeper. Only then will the plant thrive again.” I just stood in awe at the divine encounter I just had with God, my gardener, who was uprooting me to put me in a bigger, different pot in order for me to continue to grow! I stood with my friend and tears just started to roll down my cheeks. I told Maxine that I needed to pray. The tears continued to roll down my face as I prayed a prayer for surrender and trust. I told God how I was scared, unsure, nervous and afraid, but I could and would trust him as my heavenly gardener . I would “let go and trust the process” just like our mutual friend had shared with me a few days before. This raw, honest prayer was my act of standing up and running ahead to climb the tree to see Jesus. And I loved that it happened in our friends backyard as this family has meant so much for us these 5 years in Jamaica! They have taken care of Valor and Olive on field trips, sports days, and always have an open home for us to visit when swimming is cancelled. Such a reflection of God and how He cares for our family and my heart as well!

I know that there is more that God will do as He replants me in PA. But for now, I feel like Jesus saw me (even before I stood up from behind the crowd) and called me out of the mud! I see you; hurry, get out of the mud; I am coming to your house today! He encountered me, and I already feel a change of perspective and a change of eagerness to seek Jesus. I am ready and able to see all the good things that God has for me, for us as a family, and for the ministry in this next season. Wow! God is so good to meet us exactly where we are, and pull us up into the place where we can see!

My biggest revelation is that without God, accepting this move and getting out of the mud of grief seemed impossible! However, now as I am trusting the perfect gardener to uproot me and plant me, I look forward to growing and fulfilling His bigger vision for my life. Now I am able to stand up, run forward and climb that tree to see Jesus!