Healthy Transition to a Family in Missions

Posted by Dan and Carole McClelland

After a moment of losing control of her behavior, and of having a time out to calm down, Olive and I talked. 

 I said, "Olive, I want to disciple you in a deeper way.” 

“Mom, what does disciple mean?” Olive replied.   

“It means that I want to have intentional time with you where I teach you all that I have learned with my relationship with Jesus.  We would have one- on- ones where I would walk alongside you, talking about things with which you are struggling and how you can grow in those areas to become more like Jesus. I would share stories and struggles in my own life so you can go further and deeper with Jesus than I am. We all fail again and again during our lives. However, we would celebrate as you get up from failure and continue to grow in your walk with God.” 

“ Mom, you do that with Deaf people.” 

I nodded my head yes. She thought about it for a second and then asked, “You want to do that with me?”

 

“Yes,” I replied. 

 “Okay mom!  Yes, I want you to disciple me too! “

I just stared at my 7 year- old daughter.  It was a Holy Spirit moment, and I could not shake it.  God was already doing so much in challenging me in the area of investing into my children more. But this was a very clear moment of truth as the Holy Spirit put my call to disciple my children right in front of my face. I could not put it off any more. 

There was so much to process with her simple response.  First, when I described discipling, Olive recognized that I do that with Deaf people.  That was great. I am a missionary, and she sees what we do.However, at the same time, Olive did not realize/feel I do that with her too. She recognizes how intentional I am with Deaf people but not with her, my own child.

In all honesty, the last two years have been difficult as a family.  Olive and Valor are growing and more aware of what we do as missionaries, as well as also recognizing that they want more time with their parents who are on the mission field.  We have surrendered and sacrificed much and seen the Lord do amazing things through this. However, this last year we saw the effects of this on our family in a very real way.  We have struggled as a family to set boundaries and prioritize our family as we live and lead a daily DTS community. There is always something to fix or a meeting to have as Dan or I pour into our young leaders. For me, Carole, the last two years have been full of doctors visits, as we have had emergency after emergency. There have been two moves and two outreaches where one of us as parents is gone for longer periods of time.  All these things have put a strain on Dan and I, thus affecting our family. The reality is that after a full day’s work (most of the time more than a full day's work), we are tired and have little energy left to invest, to disciple and to teach our children.  I am just being very honest and real. This is something we have noticed and really wanted to change, but change has come slowly.

God had been prompting us that we needed to set boundaries for our family, and last year, we began an intentional Family Sabbath where we take a full day, asking our community for no interruptions except emergencies. This has been a time when our family can rest, play, seek God together etc.  This rest day has been glorious in the last season! Yet, Dan and I slowly recognized that one time a week of a good connection was not enough. Last spring, the kids had some behaviors that showed clearly they needed more from us as parents, but, honestly, we did not have the energy to address them in their fullness. Both Olive and Valor started to be more vocal about their need for more time with Mommy and Daddy. For example, if I had to take a person to the doctor and the appointment ran longer than expected, I would have to pick Valor up from school and return to the doctor’s office.  During the car ride home, I would be talking to the Deaf person instead of him. Then one day he voiced, " This is my time with Mommy.  Mommy talk with me.”  I recognized that he valued the car rides alone with me so much that when we did not have that time, he was upset. Then during the last outreach, when I had to leave home for a week, Olive cried, " But a family sabbath is not a sabbath without you, Mommy. Please do not go."  We did get to the place where Olive was able to pray for me and the team as I left and then pray daily for us at night, but it was a hard week for Dan at home. 

This summer provided a time for us as a family to rest, without the daily responsibilities leading a community, and we were intentional in providing time for just our family in the midst of visiting others.  It took a little time, but after resting, Dan and I were able to see the effects of the year on our children and began to address some of the habits we saw in them.  Addressing one of these behaviors produced the conversation with Olive above.  We also started to implement small changes, such as both of us doing bedtime (the last two years has us alternating who is at the evening activities for the DTS, such as Bible study or worship etc, and who did bedtime).  Both of us taking the time to facilitate bedtime has provided more time for devotions and reading stories which our children love!  I started reading chapter books with Olive earlier this year, but got too tired as the schedule intensified, thus this Spring I stopped reading to her.  When I took up reading with her again this summer, she expressed how much she enjoyed it. Now with Daddy doing Valor’s bedtime reading, I am able to read a chapter book and devotion specifically geared to her age and interests. 

Throughout the summer, Dan and I were able to debrief, process, and get advice on how we can, as a family, set more healthy boundaries, like our family sabbaths, this next year.  We realized we started missions as a couple with no children. During that season, we were very intentional about time for our marriage with weekly date nights and other times set apart for just us. However, after reflecting on our ministry throughout the last two years, Dan and I recognize that we never really transitioned to a “family” in missions. Truthfully, Dan and I have been running at the same pace as full-time missionaries that we ran as a couple when we did not have children. Now, with two children that are growing and with us recognizing our desire to have them know Jesus deeper while growing in their character in all areas of their life, Dan and I knew a shift needed to happen.  

We continued to make healthy changes for our family when we returned to Montego Bay. Returning to Jamaica earlier this year than other summers, gave us more opportunity to be intentional with the kids. By returning in early August, Olive and Valor had a month before school began. This gave our family a month to "practice" healthier boundaries. As we are moving into another full Fall schedule, we are continuing these boundaries for our schedule and within our community. First, we established that both of us would be at home for bedtimes every night, continuing the evening routines established this summer, and allow our staff to lead the DTS evening activities this year.  Another new boundary on our time is when the kids are at home, only one of us "works" and the other is fully present with Olive and Valor. This required a shift in the way we had been operating as both of us had things to do when we got back (preparing for DTS housing and working with students on visa to get into Jamaica). It has required us to communicate more about priorities within our jobs and release each other to work while the other puts their work on hold. This requires trust that God will provide the time needed to complete everything in His timing, not ours.  

As we move forward, Dan and I want to continue this approach to ministry. This school year, when the kids arrive home from school, Mommy will be done working for the day early and be present at home. As we make these changes, we want to honor both the calling that God has given us but also the family He has given us. Two other changes we will be making are, first, that dinner will be eaten with the community before we pull away as a family for bedtime, and second, one of our students will be helping our family in the afternoon, providing a native sign language model for our children. This student will also provide support for me at home when Dan serves the community. With this help, we can give but also be blessed by the community.  Our staff community, all who are single, have been very understanding and supportive. We believe by making these changes, our family can set a better example, for our single staff and other missionary families, in how to balance a family while doing full-time mission work. 

Dan, Olive, Valor, and I have already had some practice this month with our new routines. Here are some pictures of all the fun activities that we have been able to do with the kids this month. Please pray that we continue to be intentional this year with our children even when the schedule is demanding.  As we make decisions for the ministry, we are thinking first about how it will affect our family unit and prioritizing that this year.  Thank you so much for your continued prayers for our family; especially as we invest in the two children that God has given us to teach and to disciple.

One thing we set up was the concept of family chores!  Everyone does their part is helping the family.  It has been such a blessing to be able to involve the kids in every part of what we do as parents. It does take more energy and time, but so worth it!   Every meal, Olive helps wash dishes and Valor washes the table and stacks the chairs to prepare for sweeping! 

Both of our children love being in the kitchen.  So we have involved them much more over, Olive made some simple meals with my support and Valor loves helping me with everything! Here we made hummus and green beans (although Olive was eating more of them than snapping off the ends. Haha.)   Below I captured a picture of both of them helping organize and fold laundry.  Valor loves to help and it has been good to develop and work on Olive's work ethic! 

This summer, Valor also expressed wanting to learn more sign language to be able to communicate better with our Deaf friends, so Valor and Mummy, have been having sign time everyday! And we have so much fun doing it! We have practice our animals, colors and numbers and more! 

Valor also gets up super early and this month, I have set out an independent activity every evening for him to do in the morning, so Daddy and Mommy can get a little more sleep!  He loves this and was so sad one day when I forgot. 

Olive is sooooo creative!! She loves art and thinking outside of the box.  This is so different than me I often have had a hard time encouraging this part of Olive.  This last month, I decided to have an art table where she can create, explore and have fun!  She has loved it and created so many amazing things! And I have grown to really appreciate this part of Olive. 

She made puppets and did a puppet show for Valor when he was sick.  

Here she is displaying her some of her art work! She made a family of bunnies, a horse from a rock and a shelf for her Barbies from a Mac and Cheese box!  It has been fun to see this part of Olive become alive. 

Olive also LOVES reading!!! One of her favorite things that we started this summer when we were both doing bedtime was Mommy doing a devotional with her as well as reading a higher level chapter book at her age level, when Daddy is doing Valor's bedtime.  She has LOVED this quality time with mom.  We also have intentioannlly seeked out how to get more books on her kindle as she reads through them so fast! Both Grandmas got library cards for us to use the Ebooks for her and she is so thrilled with the larger selection, you can see her expression in the below with Daddy adding more on her kindle! Thank you, Grandmas!

We have also played so many games, did puzzles, spend time coloring and reading the Bible!  It has been such a great month with intentionally with our kids.  

Will you continue to pray for us as a family to continue this throughout the year, when school and the training schools start.